“Beware! The toes you step on today may connect to the a** you kiss tomorrow.”
– Anon.
Never on reality TV do you find politics and business meshing in a way that delivers a shocking glimpse into the egos of desperate wannabe entrepreneurs (or simply ‘wantrepreneurs’).Let’s face it, a thirst for voyeurism could be satisfied with a splash of Big Brother. A hunger for air-headed stupidity could be quashed with a peep at Paris Hilton’s The Simple Life.
In the past, Apprentice viewers crowded around their TVs for a myriad of reasons – some wanted insight on how to make a quick thousand selling lemonade on the streets; others simply craved the sound of that booming rough voice announcing “You’re Fired!” A third, more sadistic group – to which I belong – should emerge as the main beneficiaries of The Apprentice's switch to casting celebrities. Such unrelenting sadists LOVE to watch backstabbing. We YEARN for a team member to eat up the group from within. WE CHERISH every poorly aimed slur, below-the-belt swipe and gonad-crushing, heart-wrenching, face-ripping altercation. This ‘Wantrepreneur’ edition of the much loved “unscripted business drama” should send shivers down the spine of every red-blooded business-academic and CEO, for these contestants are fresh off the softball field, the catwalks and even fresh off the boat! With limited business experience or knowledge (as declared openly in many of their interviews), what on earth these celebrities know about business will have to be seen. I’ll certainly tune in – but, as I’ve mentioned, not for noble reasons!
And who the hell am I? I am but a short-yet-passionate Business student from Melbourne, Australia. I’ve rattled a few cages in my pursuit of silence, and I’ve let off my share of steam in my quest for transparency. Silence is a golden – a virtue I’ve exercised reservedly as of late. On this blog, however, the gloves are coming off and celebrity has-beens are in for their share of indiscriminate condemnation. Make no mistake, the bitch is back and he’s more ruthless than ever before. Beware!
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Let’s take a look at our Celebrity Wantrepreneurs in more detail, based on their Celebrity Apprentice profiles and interviews on NBC.com:
Tiffany Fallon: Ahh, my 'Playmate of The Year' 2005. What a trooper! If she's not hanging on my bedroom wall, she's looking to win the Celebrity Apprentice. Tiffany describes herself as an "open-book". Honey, let's hope Omarosa doesn't rip you to shreds before tossing you on an open fire.
Nelly Galan: The Latino founder of Telemundo -- a Latin-American television station. This ball-buster says she isn't afraid to lose. Honey, with those flabby love-handles, you're doing America a disservice!
Omarosa: What's not to hate about Lady-O? On Apprentice 1, she spat venom, busted balls and engineered mayhem. That experience may give her an added advantage though. Let's hope not!
Jenny Finch: A gold-medalist in softball who knows nothing about Trump. Oh, wait, she knows they're "both sports fans". STTT-RIKE! YOU'RE OUT!
Lennox Lewis: A retired boxing champion who "loves practical jokes!" I'll sure be laughing when Trump toilet-papers this guy's car, or, better yet, fires his rock-hard a**.
Steven Baldwin: His surname is sure to command some attention, but what comes before it probably baffles the masses. He has written books, and serves as a church minister. Should we all pray for his salvation in the boardroom? Nah!
Trace Adkins: A country music star on cast can't hurt. He says he would've been satisfied at his old career in the oilfields. Amen, dude. Mining for liquid gold trumps composing a hideous country melody.
Piers Morgan: A tabloid writer and the hard-as-hell judge of America's Got Talent. He claims there are many flattering similarities between he and Trump. Get this contestant a hairpiece!
Nadia Comenici: A gold medal gymnast who claims her first love is cooking. What a pity that Trump is judging you, as opposed to Martha Stuart.
Vinny Pastore: The fat guy from The Sopranos. And the grandfather of the group. How old are you, mate? Sixty-one? If a heart-attack doesn't get to you, gramps, then the knees might give out under all of that body weight!
Tito Ortiz: A Mexican-born Ultimate Fighter. Currently, he dates Jenna Jammieson -- the Paris Hilton of adult movies. After all, there's no shame in owning the village bicycle, even if everyone's had a ride already.
Marilu Henner: An actress and an author, who had her baby on live television. Perhaps some moments are better experienced when non-televised. Her future firing, on the other hand...
Gene Simmons: The lead singer of KISS, with the long tongue, the big hair and a portfolio of diverse companies. Here's what Trump would be like if he reincarnated to become cooler!
Carol Alt: The cast wouldn't be complete without a supermodel. After all, where else would Trump get to interact with supermodels, huh? So why does Ms. Alt desire the Celebrity Apprentice-title? Because she "deserves it". Yes, everybody gets what they deserve in the world of business.
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With limited business insight, my hope is that these celebrities will do what celebrities do best -- create unadulterated and unpleasant drama! I'm already licking my chops over this season. Be sure to return for my critique of Episode 1 -- selling hot dogs on the Streets of NYC.
Barrels of hugs,
Brian
